Bloodsucking Etiquette
by ariescelestial
Summary: Short pieces focusing on Hilda and Johnny. Hilda decides that every heroine needs a sidekick, but Johnny's not sure he wants the job...
1. The Rules of Bloodsucking

Hilda cast her eyes over the group as she followed them through the hallways of the military base. It'd been all right teaming up with them for an escape, but she didn't know much about these people. They were all so weird, especially Johnny. With him walking in front of her, she was having a hard time seeing anything besides his hunched shoulders. He hadn't walked like that before, and it took her a moment to realize why he was doing it now. Her blue eyes narrowed at the ghost logo on the boy's jacket.

"Johnny, keep that up and I'll bite you again."

The teenager spun around, so startled by the threat he nearly tripped over his own feet. "What am I doing?" he demanded, his shoulders tensing even more.

Hilda growled in frustration. "You look like Quasimodo," she told him as she grabbed both shoulders and forced them down.

"Oh. Sorry. The whole bloodsucking just creeped me out. You could've warned me."

The vampire smirked. "So is it fine to bite if I tell you first?"

Johnny gulped, his green eyes widening, and she nearly laughed. He was odd, but fun to play with. "N-no. You have to ask my permission."

Her eyebrows rose. "And maybe you'll let me?" she asked, smiling at him. His blood had a pure quality and a tangy, sweet taste--and though he looked a little pale with fatigue, he was still up and walking, so clearly he could spare a few drops.

"Um, maybe...but not right now, okay?" he said, breathing more quickly as she leaned towards him and placed one hand on his chest. "We've got to get out of here."

"Please?" she pleaded, meanwhile stepping forward to make him back up against the wall. Her smile readily switched to a pout. "I'm starved, Johnny. They kept us locked up in that cage. We couldn't eat for days," she told him as she craned her neck for a better look at his.

He gasped when her tongue flicked over his neck. She was searching for the place where she'd bitten him before, the neatest spot for a second bite. "Hilda, I'm kind of tired--I know you're hungry, but--maybe someone else could--OW!"

Hilda blinked. She hadn't sucked his blood, and even worse, he'd disappeared from under her. She looked to her left, where Johnny was lying on the floor in a daze, and then to her right, where a redclad ninja was grinning.

"Frank used secret art of vampire victim save!" he boasted, and Hilda changed her mind: even if Johnny was weird, no one could beat Frank for absurdity.

Mao padded over to Johnny and stood over him with her front paws on her hips. "You don't know much about vampires, do you, kid?" she said in a dry voice. "It's true that blood is the most nourishing substance for them, but they can eat just like humans." Johnny groaned and stood, shaking his head. The cat turned a single yellow eye to Hilda. "If you're so hungry, girl, here. Have an apple."

There was a flash of red in the air and Hilda stretched her hands out to catch the fruit. She was fuming. Johnny was looking at her with uncertainty now and she knew her chance of a second taste was gone.

"Is there a problem?" a voice called from the end of the hallway. Shania and Natan had continued ahead of the group and now the woman was glaring at them, her arms folded as if to say how dare they slow her down.

"Not at all," Mao purred. "We were just discussing the rule about bloodsucking, which is?"

"I won't drink anyone's blood," the vampire huffed. As they started walking again, she took a large bite of the apple. It was crisp and sweet, but not nearly as good as Johnny's blood. Hilda decided then that, no matter what, she was going to get a second taste.


	2. Dinner for Two

**Author's Note:** Edited a bit after I realized one joke just didn't make any sense. Oops.

* * *

Johnny tugged at the wrist of his dress shirt, wondering both how Lenny had possessed the foresight to insist on him packing formal clothing, and if this was or was not his first date. He couldn't be sure, but it would be rather funny if his first date was with a vampire.

It occured to Johnny that his life had become very strange over the last few months if being in a fancy restaurant seemed odder than the fact that the girl across from him was a vampire.

There was a sharp rap on the table and Johnny looked up at Hilda. She was frowning slightly, her closed fist still hanging above the table's surface. "I'm hungry. Let's order."

"Hold on, I haven't decided yet."

"Were you daydreaming?" she said.

"I got distracted. And you're not helping."

She rolled her eyes but took the hint, staying silent as he scanned the menu again. When he closed it and placed it on the table, it wasn't long before a waiter came to take their orders. Johnny ordered lasagna with a salad and made sure not to say anything when Hilda ordered two plates, one steak with vegetables and the other pasta and a bowl of creamy soup. She asked for water as well, but as soon as the waiter was out of earshot she was grumbling that they should've nicked some of Mao's stash, stupid Prohibition.

"You remember how well that went last time," Johnny mumbled.

"It isn't my fault you can't hold your liquor."

"I'm not the one who was flying around, crashing into half the trees."

Hilda had to concede that point. Johnny losing his lunch could've been blamed on poor cooking--while Ricardo, Shania and Natan knew how to cook, most attempts by the rest of the party tended to go awry for one reason or another, and Frank had been responsible for breakfast that day. When she had gone into bat form with all that alcohol still in her system though, her behavior combined with Johnny's sickness had proved Mao's suspicions about who had drunk her stuff.

So instead she changed the subject. "For how much they charge, this place sure is boring."

Johnny refrained from pointing out that she was the one who'd wanted to come here, and he was the one who was paying, so it was a bit bad-mannered of her to be complaining about things like that. As much as he wanted to, it'd be rude on his part. And he knew very well that Hilda had no compunctions about causing a scene in public.

"Why are human restaurants always so normal?"

He perked up a bit at this question. "Are there restaurants for vampires?"

Hilda nodded. "At least, there was one for a while. It was run by my uncle. It was pretty fun since we got to pick out the human we wanted to drink from."

"What?" Shock had completely displaced Johnny's regard for etiquette, and he found himself gaping at the petite vampire who merely shrugged.

"Well, it was a restaurant for vampires, after all. It wouldn't be any good if they didn't offer blood. And the blood has to be fresh, you know, so my uncle would mesmerize a few humans every night and bring them to the restaurant and then bring them back home in the morning."

"He didn't even ask them if it was all right?"

"Oh, yes. 'Hello, is it all right if a few vampires--keeping in mind that you think vampires are demonic and should be wiped out--drank your blood? It'd only be a pint or so--hey, watch where you're swinging that cross--ow, my eye!--'"

"Okay, okay, I get it," Johnny said quickly, noticing that a few of the diners near them were interested in Hilda's theatrics as she mimed the entire exchange. "But still...they could've been hurt."

Hilda rolled her eyes. "Uncle wouldn't have dared. It wasn't like he had very many humans to work with, so he didn't want to risk any of them dying. He rotated every night and gave them enough time in between to recover. The most they ever noticed was probably a little fatigue the next day. And maybe their necks were a little sore. But then Joachim just had to go on one of his little 'rampages of justice' and now, well, the restaurant is gone and Joachim and my uncle don't talk anymore."

"Huh." There was not much else Johnny could respond with, because while he was relieved that no such restaurant still existed, Hilda seemed quite annoyed by the loss. "Well, if this place is boring, what would you do to liven it up? Besides using humans for blood."

"Hmm..." Hilda looked around the restaurant, her eyes lingering on the large crystal chandelier above. "Bolder colors, for one thing. Beige and cream are so boring. More candles. The pictures could be more livelier, too. I don't get why people think those pastoral pieces are so good. There should be something interesting about them that people can talk about, even if they don't know much about art. More dramatic pieces. A little blood maybe, a little sex...and that corner, that corner right there," and she pointed so Johnny could see the area in the back she was talking about. "That should be walled off."

"Why?" he asked, curious.

"For privacy. So people can have a little fun and play with their food...and with each other..."

"Oh my God," Johnny muttered, and Hilda laughed as his cheeks turned slightly pink. The food arrived, and he hoped this meant he was saved from any further mortification. But then Hilda leaned forward slightly, just enough that her black evening dress allowed him an ample view of pink lace and small perky breasts, and she twirled a few strands of spaghetti onto her fork before taking one end into her mouth and slowly sucking on them. Though Johnny quickly busied himself with cutting up his lasagna, he could hardly ignore her gaze, veiled through her eyelashes, and after the very last piece disappeared into her mouth, her tongue darted out and wet her lips, presumably to catch any stray sauce but they both knew it was to make Johnny squirm in his seat. And it worked. "God damn it," he snapped as his face flared red, "can't you eat like a normal person?"

She chuckled. "But where would be the fun in that?"

"Why did I agree to take you out to dinner?"

He had meant it as a rhetorical question, but she answered readily: "because you were bored and you already struck out with Shania today."

"This isn't a date."

"Hell, no." The emphatic agreement made Johnny wince--she could have been just a _little_ reluctant--but he supposed he'd set himself up for it. "But I know the first thought that went through your mind when I mentioned this place was 'let's impress Shania by taking her to this fancy place', and the second was 'oh, but she's mad at me'. Again. Am I right or are you still in denial?"

"Well, the second thought was actually 'I don't think she'd have anything to wear to this kind of place' and the third was 'She'd probably kill me if I even suggested shopping for appropriate clothes' and in distant fourth was 'wait, she's mad at me anyways, so why bother?' But I guess you've got the gist of it down. You make it sound like an everyday occurrence."

Hilda snorted as she took a large bite of steak. After her provocative display, she had given up all semblance of eating like a lady and was instead eating like a snake--Johnny kept thinking she was taking bites too large to swallow, but in the food would go, with at the most two chews, and down the hatch it went. It was rather disturbing to watch, so he kept his eyes on his lasagna and prayed the evening's activities would not include performing any sort of resuscitation. Then he wondered if vampires really needed resuscitation, but Hilda did seem to breathe like any normal person, at least when she wasn't shoveling food down.

"It is an everyday occurrence," she said between mouthfuls. "Say the slightest little thing and she explodes."

"Shania's just upset about what happened at Chichen Itza," Johnny said, "And you're exaggerating."

"No I'm not. That was two months ago, and honestly, everyone was upset. We killed that thing, and then it ups and does this weird blast with its mouth? Why didn't it do that in the first place? Waste of time and effort to beat the stupid thing if it's going to pull that sort of trick."

"Shouldn't you be more upset about it almost killing us all?"

"The point is," she said, shaking a forkful of vegetables (the last thing on her plates) at him, "Everyone was upset, and everyone got over it. Except her. She's had a rotten attitude the whole time. And you and Natan always let her get away with it!"

"What do you want me to do, discipline her?" He almost laughed at how ridiculous the idea was.

"No! But show her you're not going to stand for it. You know how exasperating it is that she always gets her way in group decisions? Oh, yes, it's fair and democratic and all because we use majority vote--except she already has three votes! Three! Out of seven people! All she has to do is persuade one person. And all right, I see why Natan always casts his vote with her, because she's his princess and all--and what the hell is with that? _Indians don't have princesses!_"

"Hilda, could you please sit back down?" Johnny asked. "You're going to get us thrown out." During her tirade, she had risen to her feet as her voice rose and now had the attention of quite a few diners.

The vampire cast a look around her, stuck her tongue out at one particularly deserving gawker, and sat down with a sigh. "You always take her side."

"Not always," he said. "I voted with Mao and Frank when they wanted to go to Purramount Pictures."

"That was before I joined you, and not once have you voted against her since then."

"Well I'm not going to vote against her just to please you."

"Fine," Hilda sniffed, "but don't vote with her just to please _her_."

"Fine," Johnny snapped back, and he picked at his salad as both of them sat in sullen silence. She had a point about Shania's behavior, which had been rather aggressive lately...but then again, he had seen that strange red-eyed woman approach Shania before he had fainted, and sometimes he wondered if there wasn't a good reason for Shania's behavior, if the woman had said or done something to her. His mistake today had actually been asking Shania about it, who had responded with a very curt "nothing" and then thrown him out of the room when he refused to take the hint and drop the subject. All he'd been trying to do was help...

The waiter came by once again and, seeing that both were done (at this point, Johnny's fork was screeching as it ground against the salad plate), asked if they would like anything for dessert. Hilda was very enthusiastic on the topic of dessert, pointing out several; Johnny looked up long enough to say he was full and dropped his fork so the waiter could clear the empty plates away.

"Don't like the food?" Hilda asked him.

"Mm? No, it's fine. I'm just not hungry any more."

The vampire frowned before nudging his leg with her foot to make him look at her. "You are enjoying this a little, right? It's not a total waste of time."

"No," he said, puzzled by the look of dejection on her face. "The food's good, and it's fun talking with you. I just don't want to argue about Shania. She's not here, so..."

"All right, I won't mention her then. Maybe I've been cooped up for too long. It gets boring in that hotel, you know? I really am glad you agreed to take me out."

"Aha," said Johnny, "I know what you're after. You're trying to make sure I'll do this again."

"Maaaaaaaaaaaybe," and her eyes shone with laughter as she smiled and Johnny turned his head to the side as pink spotted his cheeks again. She really was cute, and he found himself wishing this actually was a date. He liked Shania, yeah, but she was just so distant...Hilda was a lot more approachable, even if she did like to throw him for a loop every so often.

"Hopefully Ness will have a lead on Killer or Gilbert," Johnny said, clearing his throat. "It seemed like they were traveling together. Once we've got that, we'll be on the move again."

"What are you going to do if he doesn't?" Hilda asked.

That question gave Johnny pause, and he thought over his answer as the waiter came and gave Hilda her dessert. The vampire started on the rich pudding, though this time she ate in slow, precise bites, to relish the food as much as possible. "I'm not sure. I want to find Gilbert, and find out more about what I can do--I know it's Malice, but where did I get it from? He must know, since he wasn't at all surprised that I could use it."

"Why's it so important where you got it from?"

He hesitated before saying, "it's a mystery. What kind of detective would I be if I didn't solve it? What about you? You're a heroine of justice...so I bet you'd still pursue Lady and Killer, right?"

"Maybe," she said, shrugging carelessly.

"They're murderers," he said, surprised by her reaction.

"There are murderers all over the world. What I want to do is travel and protect people wherever I go."

"Oh," Johnny said, and wondered if Frank would also leave if they couldn't get any leads on Gilbert's whereabouts. Mao might leave, too--in fact, he was a little surprised the cat had even joined them in the first place, since all she had promised them in exchange for Capone's breakout was information.

Hilda chuckled. "Don't look so glum. I'm sure something will come up. After all, I am the heroine--it'd look bad if I let a couple villains get away."

Johnny laughed softly, shaking his head a bit in disbelief. "I hope you're right."

She dropped her spoon into the now-empty bowl with a small clatter and leaned back in her chair. "That was good," she said, "I'm full." Johnny nodded and looked back, searching for the waiter. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a burst of pink sparkles; had that failed to grab his attention, the following gasps and murmurings from the other patrons would have.

When he turned back around, Johnny wasn't really surprised to see that Hilda had become plump, considering she'd eaten a lot of rich food--but it was obvious from her wide eyes that she'd been taken off-guard. The people all around them were certainly shocked; not everyone had seen the transformation, but those who had missed it were quickly being filled in by their dinner partners. Many gaped, some pushed their food away, and one woman even fainted, falling off her chair. The scene of mass bewilderment was so amusing to Johnny that he chuckled, wishing he'd brought his camera--but he clamped his hand over his mouth when he realized Hilda was crying.

He'd forgotten her transformations also turned her personality upside-down. If she had been skinny, she would've been on her feet by now and telling the entire restaurant that if they had a problem with her then they'd better pipe up or shut up. Now, though, the girl sat with her head bowed, her face turning dark red with embarrassment and shame as she sniffled.

"Hilda," he said, wincing when he heard someone use the word 'freak', "do you want to go?" She nodded and Johnny looked for the waiter again, only to realize the manager was headed their way. Now he could feel all the blood rushing to his own face, and quickly opened his wallet, grabbing more than enough money to cover the meal and a hefty tip. The dollar bills were practically flung at the manager, all questions about Hilda's condition were ignored ("this is normal, she's a vampire" would **not** go over well) and Johnny and Hilda fled the restaurant.

The chubby girl pulled away from him as soon as they were outside and a safe distance away from the commotion they'd caused. When she turned her back on him, Johnny sighed. "Look, I'm sorry about what happened in there."

"You were laughing at me," she muttered. Her voice was thick with tears and she wrapped her arms about herself before plopping down on a bench.

"I wasn't laughing at you," he explained. "I was laughing at how those people reacted. It was funny because, well, a few months ago that would've surprised me too, but now it's perfectly normal. Not that it's odd or anything!" he added hastily. "That lady who fainted was really overreacting."

"I made someone faint?" Hilda sobbed. Johnny could've kicked himself when Hilda started crying again. He tried saying "It wasn't your fault," but she only wailed louder. Since he didn't trust himself not to say anything stupid, he sat down on the bench and patted the vampire's back in an attempt to comfort her, trying to think of what he should do.

Once her tears had died down to the occasional sniffle, Johnny said, "Hilda...if you want to change back, you can have some of my blood."

She looked up at him with watery eyes, a heart wrenching sight--he gulped and lowered his gaze, remembering the one time her bedazzling eyes had managed to turn Natan, of all people, into a quivering lump. "Are you sure it's fine?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said, smiling with relief. As the more confident slim Hilda, she'd probably forget all about the evening's embarrassment. "Just don't take too much, okay? We still have to walk back to the hotel." He pulled down the collar of his shirt and tilted his head, exposing the entire length of his neck to her. He winced when he felt her warm breath on his skin, and again when her fangs sunk in; but after the initial sensation, like he'd been pinched hard, the pain faded away and he relaxed. She released him as pink sparkles flew once more, turning her back into her skinny state. Touching his fingers to his neck--the wound was already closing--he smiled at Hilda. "Feel any better?" he asked.

"Much," she growled before her fist struck.

Johnny only saw a blur before he doubled over, covering his left eye. "Damn it! What was that for?" he demanded, looking up at the scowling girl.

"Your blood's nice and sweet, but you're a jerk," she sniffed before rising from the bench.

"I told you, I wasn't laughing at you," he yelled. Hilda simply ignored him as she walked away. "God..." Johnny mumbled under his breath. Stupid, stupid personality shifts. Hilda was completely impossible

* * *

**Author's Note:** Because you _know_ Hilda charmed him into spending money on her. He probably helped contribute to her large collection of souvenirs. XD 


	3. Compromise

"Joooooohnny...I'm bored."

Johnny looked up at Hilda as she poked her head through the tent flaps, knowing that she only pouted like that when she wanted something. "Hilda, I'm not spending any more money. We need to keep some in case something comes up."

She laughed like she had no clue what he was talking about. "No no no, silly! I was thinking, since we're near Rio de Janeiro, I'm going to go into the city tonight. It's been a long time since I've been properly portrayed as the heroine I am."

"Don't you mean since you've portrayed yourself as...? Whatever," Johnny said, returning his attention to his homework. "Okay, I'll tell the others where you went. Have fun."

Hilda rolled her eyes. "Not even a 'be careful'? Hmm, maybe you're not sidekick material after all."

Though still focused on his writing, Johnny raised his left hand into the air for her to see. "First," he said, "I'm assuming you're smart enough to be careful without me reminding you. Second, why are you telling me if you thought I'd tell you not to? Third," and now he looked over his shoulder again, "since when am I a sidekick?"

The vampire was grinning now, satisfied she'd gotten his attention. "Every hero needs a sidekick, for moral support, backup in a fight...well, anyways! I've been thinking it's about time I got a sidekick, and I think you're the best candidate. With my magic and your malice, we'll be unstoppable!"

"Um, thanks, I guess, but I'm not really interested. Why don't you ask Frank?"

"Johnny, think about it. Frank's already chosen his costume."

"Yeah, so? That makes things easier."

"We clash."

Johnny paused in the middle of a sentence, thinking about this. Well, Frank and Hilda had argued a few times over how justice should be enforced--Frank was rather overzealous in upholding the letter of the law, while Hilda was a little lazy and would only get involved if she thought it'd make for a stirring story--but she was focusing on the colors of their outfits. "My jacket doesn't exactly go with your dress either," he said, hoping this would be enough to discourage her.

"That's why I got a costume for you."

Considering Hilda's costume was mostly black, with some splashes of pink and lots of frills, he was morbidly curious as to what she had picked for him. At any rate, it sounded more interesting than geography homework. "All right, I'll take a look. But I'm not promising anything."

"Oh, come on. You'll love it," she promised, skipping off to the tent she shared with Shania and Mao. Johnny followed at a distance, steeling himself for the possible horror. But when Hilda spun around with a black leotard, with full-length sleeves but legs that were disturbingly short, excessively frilled at every opening, Johnny realized he had not been quite prepared.

"I...don't think it'll fit me," he lied. His eyes followed the green trim on the leotard's torso, wincing when he realized where the V would point to when worn.

"It will. I got Lenny to help me make it."

"You're lying," Johnny said flatly. "Lenny would've said something about it to me." If his butler really had made this...thing, they were going to have a serious talk when Johnny got back home.

"Well...I might've charmed him."

That would explain it.

"Please?" Hilda asked. "Pretty please? It's just for tonight..."

"No way."

The pout again. "But then I won't have anything to do."

He didn't want to be a sidekick, and he didn't want to be stuck in that hideous leotard. On the other hand...playing at "superhero" for the night did sound like it might be fun. "Okay, here's the deal: I'll be your sidekick for tonight, but I am NOT wearing that thing."

Hilda thought about this, eyeing his red shirt and blue jeans. "Hmm. Will you change your clothes at least?"

"Sure. You can even pick them yourself." After all, he knew none of the clothes he'd packed would mortify him.

"Yes!" Hilda pumped her fist--still holding the leotard--into the air. "Evildoers, beware! The blood princess and boy wonder--"

"You're not calling me 'boy wonder', either."

She halted in the middle of her shout and frowned. "Wonder Boy?"

"No."

"Malice Boy?"

"Stop it with the 'boy'!"

The vampire sighed. "Oh well, we're figure out your title later. Let's get going before sunset."


End file.
